Borderline Personality Disorder - the reason your relationships are on the rocks
- Dr. Michael John
- Jun 20
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 25
“The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships." Esther Perrell - psychotherapist, bestselling author, known for her groundbreaking work on modern relationships, intimacy, and erotic intelligence.
Successful and fulfilled individuals worldwide understand that healthy relationships are essential to a life well-lived. As humans, we are hardwired to exist in community with others. Yet when we cannot maintain stable and fulfilling relationships, every single aspect of our lives is affected… from our mental health and our self-image, to how successful we are in our pursuits.
So let me ask you… how are your relationships with others? Are they up and down and all around? Do you push people away and then draw them back in for fear of being abandoned? Do you sabotage your relationships, sometimes without even meaning to?
If your mood fluctuations cause severe instability within your relationships, you’ll want to learn more about Borderline Personality Disorder. Characterized by rapid mood changes, an unstable self-image, anger management issues, and even self-harm, BPD doesn’t have to ruin your life. In fact its usually a response to someone else having ruined your childhood.
What the Heck is Wrong With Me?! (Borderline Personality Disorder Explained)
If you’re reading this, you have probably already recognized you have a problem and you are seeking solutions. My goal is to help you understand where this condition came from, how you can cope with it, and how coping with it can change your life. First, let's get a bigger picture of this condition to determine if you may be struggling with BPD.
Chaotic Relationships
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness that greatly affects a person’s ability to control their emotions. Do you find yourself lashing out at people, only to feel guilty and ashamed of yourself afterward? Unstable, intense relationships are a telltale sign of BPD. This is because a person with BPD changes their views of others abruptly. One minute they are idolizing their partner, putting them on a pedestal… the next, they are devaluing and berating them. Relationship chaos ensues.
Rapid Mood Swings
The emotions of those with BPD can change suddenly without warning. One moment they could be feeling intense love and a moment later intense hate. The severity of emotion is often disproportionate to the situation. These mood swings can last several hours to several days.
Intense fear of abandonment also plays into the relationship problems BPD people have. It’s common for these people to feel uncomfortable being alone, even going as far as tracking their partner down or preventing them from leaving. When BPD people feel they are being abandoned or neglected, the feelings of anger and fear are severe. Conversely, these individuals may push people away so they don’t run the risk of being abandoned later.
Altered Self Image
A BPD person will often have a distorted or unclear self-image. They often feel ashamed of themselves and see themselves as “bad.” They may dramatically change their career path, goals, and even opinions seemingly out of nowhere. There isn’t a clear and steady sense of self so changing from one thing to another quickly proves easy. As a result, they often don’t reach their goals in any one area as they switch lanes too frequently to see any real progress. This can cause further shame and guilt, leading to feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. BPD people often feel sad, empty, and unfulfilled.
Reckless Impulsivity
People with Borderline Personality Disorder often engage in reckless behaviors like gambling, speeding, binge eating, substance abuse, fighting, and unprotected sex. BPD people also struggle with anger management and can lash out at others impulsively. They go on angry tirades, becoming sarcastic and bitter, recklessly saying things they will later regret. Even worse, they are more likely to act out violently towards others.
Self-Harm and Suicide
Self-harm is prevalent in those with BPD. In fact, an estimated 65-80% of those with the diagnosis engage in self-harm such as cutting or burning themselves. It is thought that emotional dysregulation, intense anger/aggression, as well as a negative self-image contribute to this.
Unfortunately, those with BPD are at high risk for suicidal thoughts and tendencies. It is estimated that 9% of patients with BPD will die by suicide. An alarming 73% of people with BPD will have attempted suicide 3 times in their lives. This doesn’t have to be your path.
The Devil’s In the Details - How You Got This Way
At the root of many mental illnesses, including BPD, lies trauma. 70% of people with BPD experienced physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse as a child. There is also a strong link between BPD and maternal separation, inadequate maternal attachment, parental substance abuse, and poor family boundaries. Traumatic events in adulthood often lead to Borderline Personality Disorder.
Trauma can actually change the structure and function of the brain. Recent studies show brain abnormalities in those with BPD such as a smaller amygdala (emotional regulation), a hyperaroused threat response, and an underdeveloped leading to an underactive pre-frontal cortex (impulsivity). This article does a great job of breaking down the differences in brain structure and function in a person with BPD.
Lastly, there is a genetic component to the condition as those who are diagnosed are more likely to have a family member who also has the condition. Current research indicates that genes DPYD and PKP4 increase a person’s risk of developing BPD. These genes are also linked to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Even with these genetic markers the social and mental inheritance from our parents or those that raised us are often the most important bits of inheritance.
Coping - Your Light at the End of the Tunnel
You may have delayed seeking help because of the intense shame and guilt you feel. Your distorted self-image could be telling you that you don't deserve help or that you can't be fixed… that you're too badly broken.
I’m here to tell you that you DO deserve compassionate care and a better life. Likely, your Borderline Personality disorder developed from something that happened outside of your control. You may not have been able to prevent the trauma in your childhood that led to this condition, but you do have control over your healing process. It all starts with a desire to heal.
Therapy
Psychotherapy (talk therapy) is the first line of treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder. While this condition was originally thought to be untreatable, developments in psychotherapy over the past 2 decades have proven that theory wrong.
In fact, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was developed specifically for Borderline Personality Disorder and studies show it to be the most effective form of treatment. DBT focuses on developing awareness of one’s present situation and emotional state.
Through DBT, the patient learns skills to manage intense emotions, improve relationships, and reduce self-destructive tendencies. Find a skilled professional that you feel good about working with for months or years to come. It could literally save your life.
Self Care
When addressing any ailment, be it physical or mental, proper self-care creates an essential foundation for healing. Positive mental health in all individuals is at least partially dictated by wholesome nutrition, plenty of sleep, and exercise. If you have BPD, pay close attention to your self-care routines. A healthy body directly correlates to a healthy mind.
The first step to change is always awareness. Many people with BPD (aka an unstable or negative view on ones self) don’t realize how much their condition is negatively impacting their lives. They might not even conceptualize there is any other way to live.
However, if you’re ready to change how you operate, don’t do it alone. Find support from a therapist, a community, and your friends and family. Facing our demons can be scary, but what lies on the other side is healthy and fulfilling relationships… both with yourself and those you love.
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